Monday, April 30, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Perhaps
Lala called today. It may not be dead after all!
But I can't let my joy in the warmth of that relationship soften me as I have a hard job ahead.
She and I still have issues. I need her to stop pushing. (I know to her she is not pushing she is simply probing)
But I can't let my joy in the warmth of that relationship soften me as I have a hard job ahead.
She and I still have issues. I need her to stop pushing. (I know to her she is not pushing she is simply probing)
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Jobs
I work for me. have never had a job.
But I started with a little help. Then I grew the company big. I have always he'd the "next thing" lined up. But now Im starting from zero. Its hard.
On the other hand I have been a lazy SOB, chasing 15 rabbits at once: and only for a short stint.
I need to face the reality of the fact. i need capitol to get the new company off the ground. I need to borrow it or get investors.
But I started with a little help. Then I grew the company big. I have always he'd the "next thing" lined up. But now Im starting from zero. Its hard.
On the other hand I have been a lazy SOB, chasing 15 rabbits at once: and only for a short stint.
I need to face the reality of the fact. i need capitol to get the new company off the ground. I need to borrow it or get investors.
My Boy
My boy was diagnosed with Autism 13 years ago. He is now 15.
We have fought and scratched and finally stepped back on him in exhaustion.
Lala thinks I don't do enough. That scares me. It scares me because everyone said I was the best possible father for him. But that was before the divorce. Lala is worried. Thats because she didn't see me before the divorce. She only see what is happening now. And Im sucking wind.
We have fought and scratched and finally stepped back on him in exhaustion.
Lala thinks I don't do enough. That scares me. It scares me because everyone said I was the best possible father for him. But that was before the divorce. Lala is worried. Thats because she didn't see me before the divorce. She only see what is happening now. And Im sucking wind.
Clinging to Lala
I clung to her.
The attraction was not unhealthy. But too much of anything is bad.
After 23 years of loneliness I clung to Lala way too hard. She was the only warm spot had seen. Sure there were other nice women. But none that felt right. Lala is just right.
The problem is It dulled the pain. Pain is good. It keeps you from keeping you hand in the fire. It keeps you from moving a broken leg. But when you confuse the comfort for a lack of pain you just bury the pain. And that is dangerous.
Then it became a narcotic. I had to have it. I created it. I would spend trivial time that should have been placed on things important just hanging out with her. Yes hang out time is good. But I did too much.
OF course the foundation was out of whack. So it falls now.
The attraction was not unhealthy. But too much of anything is bad.
After 23 years of loneliness I clung to Lala way too hard. She was the only warm spot had seen. Sure there were other nice women. But none that felt right. Lala is just right.
The problem is It dulled the pain. Pain is good. It keeps you from keeping you hand in the fire. It keeps you from moving a broken leg. But when you confuse the comfort for a lack of pain you just bury the pain. And that is dangerous.
Then it became a narcotic. I had to have it. I created it. I would spend trivial time that should have been placed on things important just hanging out with her. Yes hang out time is good. But I did too much.
OF course the foundation was out of whack. So it falls now.
My Daughter
My daughter is a beautiful creature. She is smart and funny and can be happy when things are normal.
But right now she is lost. And it is a critical time. Lala is pushing me to get her help. I can see why. She needs help. And I have not been very good at helping her. So I can see Lala's point.
You see, she has he'd such bad experiences with therapy. Now the thought of therapy sets off horrible things inside her. So she won't go. We tried a new therapist. But she went silent. Would not say a word.
I backed off a little but to let it cool down. I think I have to get her help and Im looking all over for the "Right" therapist. But its hard.
But right now she is lost. And it is a critical time. Lala is pushing me to get her help. I can see why. She needs help. And I have not been very good at helping her. So I can see Lala's point.
You see, she has he'd such bad experiences with therapy. Now the thought of therapy sets off horrible things inside her. So she won't go. We tried a new therapist. But she went silent. Would not say a word.
I backed off a little but to let it cool down. I think I have to get her help and Im looking all over for the "Right" therapist. But its hard.
Let me tell you my story. Actually Im telling it to myself -- as i will not promote this little journal in any way. I just need to think. So here I am thinking out loud (so to speak). If you should stumble on it....
I am almost 50 years old. I used to live the good life. Big house. Beautiful wife. Kids. International Travel. My Own airplane. Dinners where ever. Good booze. Friends.
But it was rotten at its core. My wife was abusive and mean. She hurt me to the bottom of my soul. Then she started to hurt the kids.
I cheated on her. In bed with her for 23 years was the loneliest place I have ever known. I hated the idea of divorce. So I hung in there until I rode the ship down to nothing at all. Except the friends.
Now I'm broke. I can't handle the kids very well. And I was stupid enough to torture a beautiful woman named Lala, whose only crime was to love me. And I let her down.
The thing I fear most is loneliness. And in trying to stay away from it I fear I have alienated all my friends, hurt my children and pushed Lala to the edge. I didn't realize that I was fulfilling my own need to be not alone with her.
Yes I love her, that is why the brew is so potent. At its core it is very good. But I have layered it with my own needy gunk.
I have family, but my pride and guilt keep me from reaching out to them again. There is shame in asking for money. Like I was too stupid and to take care of myself.
No Lala isn't perfect. But her love for me was (and If i am very lucky still is). She has her issues. We all do.
I am almost 50 years old. I used to live the good life. Big house. Beautiful wife. Kids. International Travel. My Own airplane. Dinners where ever. Good booze. Friends.
But it was rotten at its core. My wife was abusive and mean. She hurt me to the bottom of my soul. Then she started to hurt the kids.
I cheated on her. In bed with her for 23 years was the loneliest place I have ever known. I hated the idea of divorce. So I hung in there until I rode the ship down to nothing at all. Except the friends.
Now I'm broke. I can't handle the kids very well. And I was stupid enough to torture a beautiful woman named Lala, whose only crime was to love me. And I let her down.
The thing I fear most is loneliness. And in trying to stay away from it I fear I have alienated all my friends, hurt my children and pushed Lala to the edge. I didn't realize that I was fulfilling my own need to be not alone with her.
Yes I love her, that is why the brew is so potent. At its core it is very good. But I have layered it with my own needy gunk.
I have family, but my pride and guilt keep me from reaching out to them again. There is shame in asking for money. Like I was too stupid and to take care of myself.
No Lala isn't perfect. But her love for me was (and If i am very lucky still is). She has her issues. We all do.
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