Let me tell you my story.  Actually Im telling it to myself -- as i will not promote this little journal in any way.  I just need to think.  So here I am thinking out loud (so to speak).  If you should stumble on it....

I am almost 50 years old. I used to live the good life.  Big house.  Beautiful wife.   Kids.  International Travel.  My Own airplane.  Dinners where ever.  Good booze.  Friends.

But it was rotten at its core.  My wife was abusive and mean.  She hurt me to the bottom of my soul.  Then she started to hurt the kids.

I cheated on her.  In bed with her for 23 years was the loneliest place I have ever known.  I hated the idea of divorce.  So I hung in there until I rode the ship down to nothing at all.  Except the friends.

Now I'm broke.   I can't handle the kids very well.  And I was stupid enough to torture a beautiful woman named Lala, whose only crime was to love me.   And I let her down.

The thing I fear most is loneliness.   And in trying to stay away from it I fear I have alienated all my friends, hurt my children and pushed Lala to the edge.  I didn't realize that I was fulfilling my own need to be not alone with her.

Yes I love her, that is why the brew is so potent.  At its core it is very good.  But I have layered it with my own needy gunk.

I have family, but my pride and guilt keep me from reaching out to them again.   There is shame in asking for money.  Like I  was too stupid and to take care of myself.

No Lala isn't perfect.  But her love for me was  (and If i am very lucky still is). She has her issues.  We all do.